


Talk

by manquant



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Coulvary - Freeform, Gen, Mayson - Freeform, Philinda - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:54:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1521836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manquant/pseuds/manquant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the events of 1x19, Only Light in the Darkness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Oh and another thing, Natasha called me - after her stint at that televised Senate subcommittee hearing." Her mother wants idle chat. "And?"

"Well, things with Phil are in a disarray, she's one of the people you can trust. You said you need people you can trust. Fully."

She nodded.

"Just saying. She said she might be under water until she figures out how to fix all the covers she's blown because of this fiasco." She has an unmoved face as she was listening and her mother obviously notices and sighs heavily before continuing, "I won't be here forever that's why you need to have other people have your back too. I just realized what a hard-headed daughter I have raised. What does that say about me?"

She doesn't know what to answer so she just looks at her mother with her eyebrows slightly raised. Thankfully, she understands and turns her full concentration on the road. 

 

They have been riding silently for three hours now. She never had any disdain for the quiet, especially one with her mother around. Trekking in snow covered forest for the last seven hours made her realize she just wants to sleep all these things away. She had turned her back on her mother for a while now, her gaze looking aimlessly at the view. She was already dozing off when she heard the distinct voice that is her mother's. It snapped her back to reality.

"You're still doing this for him?" She's fully awake now but she looked directly at the road, trying not to meet her mother's inquisitive eyes.

"He stopped trusting me. He's practically done everything that gives away he'd rather not have me around. Not that I want to redeem myself, all I know is I need answers." Her mother deserves to hear her. She did come a long way for her. Just an honest talk, no holds barred. It's the thank you she's actually waiting for. "It's partly my fault I did not push for them when I got the orders. Those orders were something I wouldn't call 'nothing personal'. Now that it got way too complicated, I hate that I'm helpless to do anything to at least remedy it without leaving the team."

"Qiaolian..." It would be rude to continue averting her eyes so she turned to face her mother. "Yes, mom?"

"It's not your fault he died."

She struggled to keep her voice from breaking. "I know."

"No, you don't. You keep blaming yourself for that girl back in Bahrain, for losing your family that could have been, for his death in New York, for HYDRA breaking hell into this world."

Hearing these words coming from her own mother feels worse than getting hit by an Icer. "I..."

"You know I never tolerated you cutting me off so don't start." She's just glad Skye or FitzSimmons are not here - they won't look at her with the same awe since their famed The Cavalry is being reprimanded like a meek teenager. "Forgive me, mom."

"Well, I'm your mother, I'm glad you understand and still remember that. I do hope you see the wisdom in me doing this, it's not my intention to reopen your wounds. You never fully healed. There's still that gleam in your eyes but as I tell Maria when we had last had tea, 'My daughter came home a stranger, can't you do anything about it?'"

She takes a deep breath before responding, "What does she reply to that?"

"'Agent May's my S.O. and I owe a lot to her but I'm not exactly in a position to do things right by her. You know who I'm talking about, ma'am. I'm very sorry he's no longer around.'"

She can't help but smile at the irony of all that. At least Hill did not try to promise anything they both know can't be. Her train of thought was interrupted by her mother squeezing her hand. Her mother had never been the touching kind in as much as the same way that she's not the talking kind. Her decision to call her after leaving Providence has been the best she did in the longest while. She closed her eyes and let her worries away even just for this limited amount of time.

 

She woke up in her room. She looks at the bedside clock - two days. She's been sleeping for two days in her mother's house. The last place she'll expect herself to be in but then, she really must be tired. It was all a haze after they talked. She can smell her mother brewing her favorite, chrysanthemum tea. She brought a huge gym bag with her but all it contains were a few leather suits, her books and some equipment Fitz designed for her. She realizes her mother would not enjoy seeing her in that same stiff attire so after showering, she mustered the courage to open her closet. The faint spritz of freesia welcomed her (her mother probably puts her things in the laundry at least every other week in case she turns up which she doesn't) and she chose a pale yellow dress and clips her hair. She goes downstairs.

A woman was sitting adjacent to her mother and she stood still when she realized who it is. The visitor spoke first. "Agent May."

"Agent Hill." Their visitor stopped whatever conversation she was having with her mother who looks obviously delighted by the company. She ignores her and shifted her focus to her mother who looks approvingly of her clothing choice. "Mom, can you excuse us?"

Her mother's face had a small frown but it quickly dissipated. That's a good sign. "You two don't need to be too formal. Remember what I told you in the car."

"Remember what I answered to that." She gives a small but reassuring smile and as soon as her mother retreated to the gardens, she gave Hill what Skye would call 'the look that makes Simmons (and practically everybody else) jump' while taking her mother's seat.

She pours out a cup of tea for herself and sipped it. Tea has been effective at calming her. On most occasions.

Hill broke out the silence. "Director Fury's alive."

"His status is something I am not concerned of, at the moment." She looked directly at her visitor.

"I don't think I'm in the position-" 

"No, you don't get to use those words. I am not my mother. You know who I am and what all of this means to me. Or need I remind you?" She can feel the anger rising in her but her voice remains monotonous. Good, she still has her emotions at bay but heaven knows how long she can sustain that control.

"Melinda, you have every reason to blame me."

"Yes, I do but I choose not to. All I'm asking for is answers and we're done here."

She can sense Maria giving up any attempt to dodge her any further. "I brought my copy of Phil's file."

"I thought you already gave me a similar one. Are you playing me?"

"You've seen the original Level 10 and from that you already know even Fury doesn't get to see the whole picture."

"Compartmentalized secrets. Right."

 "Look. This has not been easy on any of us involved. I'm so sorry you had to be alone facing the aftermath of his discovery."

She trained this agents for years to see she's sincere. It still pisses her that even their Director might not have the answers she's looking for. "Just following the orders, yes. That is all this is. Finish your tea."

Her once rookie did as she told. She still had the respect for her but that did not stop her from agreeing with her superior that May is the most suitable candidate for looking after Coulson. Nick, he was just content to watch through her. She will need a more serious talk when she crosses paths with him.

"Where is your team at the moment?" She did not notice Maria was still sitting across her. She gave her blank expression that could mean anything, let her read for herself.

"I know, I shouldn't be asking you questions since I haven't helped you at all. But maybe I can be of some help with Coulson. It's too much for him and an unfamiliar face might change his perspective. About you. About all this."

Her face remains unchanged so Hill bid her goodbye. Before she could go say her goodbye to May's mother, she spoke, "You can try but I'm not so sure about changing his mind. Providence."

 

She hears the car engines starting as she was putting away the teacups.


	2. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, I do want to see Melinda in a domestic setting. And her mom being around is a bonus! (Is my May quite talkative? I can just see her as being not so quiet since it's her mom.)

Her mother is probably busy tending the orchids so she went back to her room. It is as she left it, her mother cleans the room herself - the occassional housekeeper wouldn't be this thorough. And her wall paintings may have faded but they're still behind the curtained walls. If there is something she would call a hobby aside from flying, it would be this. She'd vividly remember the view she had seen, all the cities and mountains and oceans beneath her, the clouds and stars surrounding her... all because she'd paint them here the minute she arrives home. She sat at the foot of her bed. Her mother cracked the door open.

"I made some rice cakes after Maria left. Would you like me to get you some?"

Her mother passed up her offer. "It's been a while since you looked at those paintings. I thought you were the pilot of your team?"

"Just trying to revisit these places..." And the better memories I had with them, she silently added.

"If you say so. Come."

They had the rice cakes she did earlier. Her mother filled her in with what she has been up to lately. She sounds as if she never retired at all. It's a good thing she's involved in other affairs so she doesn't notice how long her daughter's been away. At least, she knows she's not up to do her sharing. When they were done, she got up to do the dishes but her mother interrupted her on her way to the kitchen. "You should stay."

The words were the last thing she'd expect to hear from her mother. "What?"

"I said, you should stay. I know you're eager to go back to your team but I'm telling you to do otherwise."

"Mom, what will I do here?"

"Well, for one, you can rest without being so full of cares. Even when you were in the Academy, you sleep normally. Now, _two days_."

"Yes, I'm tired bu-" Her mother gives her a knowing look that says she just admitted to what she was saying.

"I was about to call a doctor."

Maybe it wasn't a bad idea, after all. "You wouldn't." She smiled and continued with the tray of dishes she was holding.

 

An entire week passed and except when it's time to eat, her mother did not call for her for the rest of the day. She would still do her morning tai-chi then after a long shower, Melinda would immerse herself in the classics she left here. She's close to running out of reads but she wouldn't have noticed the passing time if not for the setting sun. She was not able to bring books on board The Bus because she needs her head clear of any distractions. All she had to focus was Coulson and his welfare. Then it turned to that then everyone else's welfare above hers. It wouldn't be her if she includes herself in that list because it's been around forever that she stopped caring for herself. She tried her best to compartmentalize everything since it would be foolish of her but attachments are inevitable. She has been aware more than ever of her cracks - not being able to do anything for Simmons when she contacted the virus, for lashing out at Quinn after what he did to Skye (he deserved it, Phil shouldn't have stopped her), scaring Fitz when he discovered the direct line to Fury, doing it with Ward even though she can see how vulnerable he is then breaking it up after the incident with Lorelei. Coulson was the last straw, she was already on the verge of telling him when he got back from Raina but she keep telling herself it wouldn't do any good to him since she doesn't even have the proper answers. She wants to deny that Coulson fired ~~a gun~~ an Icer at her but that speaks a lot of how he lost his unconditional trust in her. She doesn't know if it will ever come back to how it was - if she thinks about it, things aren't the same even though they're on the same team again. These thoughts are the last she wants to dwell on so enough of the books.

Scanning her room, she notices that that box was missing. She was sure she left the ring here. It can't be.

"Mom, where is it?"

"Melinda, isn't 9:30 late for dinner? I thought you had better sense than to keep us waiting."

"What 'us'? Are you expecting anybody else? Please don't change the topic. Where's my box?"

An all too familiar voice replied, "You mean this?" He's holding up the box. Her box.

"You told me to stay but you called _him_." Her mother did this a lot before but she thought she wouldn't do it this time.

"No. He did. Maria put some sense into this man who's supposed to be my son-in-law."

It's all happening so fast. She can still hear him shouting at her back at Providence. "I'm not having dinner."

"Well then, maybe you two can sort this out. Do I have to retire to my bedroom?"

"No, mother. We can talk here with you. Right?" He gives her a smile and it felt good he's doing better these days. Leaving him has helped him cope with the recent events.

She doesn't want to do this but she clearly cannot just walk out of her mother. "Sir, how did it go with the Portland operation?"

He was so taken aback can barely speak. "It went well." She can see his pleading eyes but he asked for it, no more personal, not anymore. His words ring clear as day to her.

He places her box on the table. Near her hands but he doesn't come any closer. "Melinda..." He says her name like it's the most precious thing in the world. But she can't trust herself to listen to that. She's only misreading him, she reminds herself.

"I'm quite tired from straightening up my room. Mom, you should rest too. It's getting late." Her mother raised her eyebrows but nodded. Then she looked at him with the same expressionless face she wore everyday when she was working in the Administration. "Thank you for looking after this. Good night to both of you."

She goes straight to her room and locks it up before her knees gave way. She can still hear them downstairs. Her mother asking Coulson to stay in the guest room. And him declining her offer. Slowly, she walks to the sliding doors of the adjoining terrace. She doesn't need to open it because their voices are audible against the sole noise present, the chirping crickets.

"Mother, I'm so sorry."

"You hurt her again. Wasn't Bahrain bad enough?"

"I know. I've been unreasonable and so full of myself I just pushed my wife away. Again."

"So, you are aware she's still your wife?"

"I would do anything for Melinda although I'm afraid I can never be as good to her as she is to me."

"She mentioned Portland. You did not..."

"She's just a grieving friend in need of help, mother. What we had is something we can never revisit because it shouldn't have happened in the first place."

"So what are you planning to do?"

"Whatever it takes."

 

She can hear the gates closing and the engines of his red Corvette starting. She lay on her bed but sleep wouldn't come to her. Then she hears the same hum. He did not... he did. He's flying Lola and he's right outside her terrace. He jumps in and knocks.  He's here. He wants to talk now?  She can feel her knees go weak when she heard another knock. "Melinda. Melinda, please, let me in."

She doesn't answer. Or rather, she doesn't know how to answer. She stays in bed.

"I can stay here all night. I can park Lola somewhere else." He has that stupid grin on his face but his wariness is palpable.

The car's engines just died. So he's really determined to stay where he is? Fine.

"I had made a vow to be at your side at all times. But I failed you. Not once or twice but many times. You were right, I can't just say I owe you one."

What is he doing? Is he going to be talking like that all night? Mom would hear all of it and they would possibly get a scolding come the morning.

"Fury was wrong in making you lie to me because I know that's the last thing you would want to do. Right now, all I can think of is how I kept lashing out at you. I never even listened to your explanations."

"My anger blinded me. I'm afraid, Melinda. But it's my fault. I wouldn't be on that helicarrier over New York if I didn't give up on you." 

 _No_ , she wanted to respond. _That was both of us, giving up on each other_.

"I would say I did my best with you after Bahrain but we both know that's not the whole story. It was me. The loss of our baby was devastating to us but more to you and I can't even deal with it."

The baby, yes, our baby. She thought it was because Phil had been quite rough with his flying during their lessons. But it turned out to be a baby and from the first day, she had a strong feeling it would be a girl. Maybe that's why she was so determined to rescue that little girl in Bahrain. In which she failed. She saved the rest of the civilians but she lost everything else that day: the little girl, their own girl, herself and Coulson. She couldn't look at him the same way because he never knew she was pregnant until the doctor told him about her miscarriage. She thought she could do the Index Asset Evaluation and Intake then surprise him on their way home but then it went south. Everything went wrong.

"Melinda, I should be the one to blame here. Stop blaming yourself now. It was me who slowly distanced myself. It was me who had the audacity to not care when you left the field. It was me who dated Audrey because she reminds me of you. I'm seeking what I already had somewhere else, how stupid is that?"

She can't trust herself to talk. But she gets up and sits beside the sliding door, with her back facing Phil, who's also doing the same.

"I should be grateful you even want me back in your life after what I did to you."

"Mother's right. You never deserved me. Remember what she told me before our wedding? That I never saw how important you are to me, to my life... well, she's so right about it. I can't even see how selfless you have always been when it comes to me. I don't even know if I'm still the man you married all those years back. But you said you know me. Of course, you do and despite you keeping secrets for my welfare, there's no one in this world I believe more than you. I can't imagine you would ever find it in your heart to forgive a man who left you broken in times I have lost count."

She can't keep the doors locked forever.

He seems startled she was actually awake. But he enveloped her in a tight embrace. He's was sobbing all this time. "I can't ever let you go, Melinda. You can shoot me if I do."

"Maybe I'll do that and more. You can bid farewell to that car." She has not cried in front of him, not for a very long time, but here she is struggling to maintain her tone. "Are you still pissed I care so damn much?"

"It was me, I truly am guilty here. At that rate, I would have to repent forever to get you back. You don't forget, do you?" He burst into a smile.

She can't help but smile back so she tries to narrow her eyes. "How are the kids? The Bus?" He's shivering and she hardly stifled her laugh.

"I can't come inside, can I? I declined Mother's offer to sleep here. Oh, the kids? They're fine. Well, except Skye and Ward. He's HYDRA, took her with him and they're on The Bus."

"Wait, what?" It was only a week, what trouble did their team get into now?

"I left FitzSimmons with Agent Triplett. They're staying with Hill until I sorted things out with you."

"So you weren't planning on telling me until I forgave you? Was that the plan? You're not worried about Skye?"

"Hill's helping tracking down The Bus. Skye's smart and she's secretly contacting us, enabling us to tail her. Fitz is working on it."

"But Ward..."

He reaches for her hands and clasps it in his. "No, that's not your fault. You wouldn't have to do with any of this if I hadn't died."

"Are you really sure everything will be fine, Phil?"

"Yes, Melinda. I have you." He cupped her face and kissed her so tenderly and passionately, the woman who proves that in his life, nothing else matters but them.

 

The lights flicked open and they look like deer caught by headlights. It was May's mom. "So you two smoothed things out? You can sleep now. Good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know them being married in the past is a long shot but okay, I can dream. Besides, I firmly believe Philinda's endgame. I just need Coulson to acknowledge May, that despite all the chaos, she's the most important constant in his life.
> 
> Did I do it well with May's mom? I love both mother and daughter but I don't know, I really would have wanted to write more of May's mom but I don't want either of them to go out of character. Did they?
> 
> So, thoughts? :)


End file.
